Last year, I attended a 5-day retreat held by our Jesuit brothers at Arvisu House near ADMU and I am trying to remember what my feelings are during those days. This post contains an entry from my journal which I continued to do after the retreat.
It all began with an inquiry…Those five days is a paradigm shifting event for me. I took a hard look on what Jonah experienced inside the belly of the whale. Dark, damp and it might have been very stinky. Putting myself in Jonah’s shoes: he might have been scared to death and suffocating because of the lack of oxygen and the stench. (To those who want to know the story of Jonah, click here)
Anyway, my mind kept on deviating from what was required for us to meditate on to a single word: Humility. For years I have been grasping on the thought that I have done all these things on my own without acknowledging anyone (though pretending that I am “acknowledging” God). In reality, I was fooling myself big time. I realized then what my mistake was and compared my life to Jonah. Jonah was sent by God to Nineveh to do His bidding. Afraid, Jonah went into hiding! I to, tried to hid from the fact that God is trying to send me somewhere, but I am afraid to go there and mask my cowardliness with pride.
Pride, in its pure sense isn’t that harmful. It can do great things. But fueled with negativeness and without the proper guidance, it can destroy you. Relationships would be severed and rifts would be wider. God really tested me and threw me hurricanes of challenges. The torrential downpour of negative emotions tore inside my soul as I began to be empty. Like Jonah inside the belly of the whale, I am alone, afraid and suffocating under the caustic environment that I created.
I made this journal in order to set things right. Beginning from now on, I must be humble to accept that I am wrong.
God still sends me messages and tries to pinch me with this word, humility, in order to correct my path. I am sorry and I will try with all my strength to never waiver from God’s love again.
To all those that I have offended. I am deeply sorry.